(Not for the weak hearted.)
I almost didn’t publish this post, it is in itself not uplifting. But it is nitty gritty life and the feelings that can creep in. Not my most favorite post, but it works.
Do you ever feel frustrated? I am having one of those hours were I feel frustrated because at times I can feel invisible, or not enough. I am who I am. And I may not be like everyone else. I am just me. And at times I wonder if I am a different breed. Like I don’t seem to fit. Like I just don’t and am not who everyone was expecting or hoping. I am not here to apologize, apologize for being me. But at the same time I wonder why I am so darned different. And I feel so frustrated that I in areas have not grown or moved were I have always been. I am definitely the loner, independent type. I am scared of new relationships. Scared of being truly myself. And at times it literally feels like pressure to be something or somebody else. There are some conversations I will never fit into. There are doubts I carry that most people don’t want to hear or can’t handle. There is something about me that is to real. At least from what I been getting. I feel sometimes like the only thing acceptable is the skin deep me. Like I better not share my weakness because so and so won’t think about hanging out with me again. And the struggles I have had I feel like I sometimes couldn’t share those either. I feel like reaching out but feel like I can’t reach in. Like the door is locked. And no one would answer it anyway. Do you see a pattern? I am going to just take these frustrations as they come. I may never deeply feel like an asset or valuable. I may not ever feel like I fit. And I may always have hanging questions from my past. And question people’s motives from the past as well. But I know one thing. There has always been God. HE never changes. And He is the most solid person in the universe. So welcome to me. Not necessarily all what I seem to be. But working on being me even when me feels unacceptable. And before you draw a movie, these thoughts are not geared towards any certain person or otherwise. Just a common feeling that I percieve the goal- or goals that I seem to not reach.