A messy confession

Well it’s been so long I would do better just to jump right in.
I been doing things around the house, trying to accomplish things that last year I would have never even tried attempting. So far things tried are working out at least so far, give it time right? 😉 Lots on my mind as of late, mind if I give you the sum of it?

Missing my dad, actually missing him but at the same time functioning on the same I always known, when he was here I desperately wanted time with him growing up. Felt like I always was doing something wrong and that it was my fault I never had said relationship. Now I am trying to move on and accept I will never have it, at least in the way I hoped, man that sucks…

Doing outdoorsy things, I have a closet full of camo and guns and ammo strewn everywhere, in a sense it is a huge comfort, looking at them tells me I am doing alright, I always desired to hunt now I (sorta) know how. So fishing, hunting, roughin it, and homesteading fills my mind most days. And that is a good thing.

I have been praying for a friend that is a woman like me that does said things above, because right now it would be so nice to have someone to share it with, I think my husbands and family members ears have been ringing from said subject as I like to talk on outdoors… A lot.

My eyes, I still am dealing with appointments, rechecks, and vision issues that come and go and that nagging, stressful, depressing feeling I get when something new shows up in my vision and I have no idea what or if its going to stay, whether my vision will return to the not perfect but normal state. (Whoops it has been awhile, for the record I have Ocular histoplasmosis)

Joy, I am still pressing hard to hold on to Jesus and hold onto joy with all that I have. He has given me the strength to go each day. And I mean that with total sincerity, I would be totally inoperable otherwise. That’s what I am here for, I am still here for him!

Mornings, I get up and keep fighting, I don’t know how long I will be here but I don’t want to skip a step or miss a beat. I do not want to leave this place unless I am finished and I have accomplished every small or large thing I am here for.

Sorrow, these two years have been tears, tears, and tears, anyone who’s talked with me the last two years ‘apology here’ I have been a hot mess. Just bear with me, as far as I can see each tear gets this burden lighter And some days I have oceans of tears left. I am believin tears are from God, how the heck else do you manage? Ok, busting things, but….I am tired and done with that, I am sick of patching my walls (truestory). Tears work, at least Stefan likes it better too haha

Joy And grief, I experience these strangely at the same time, knowing how truly blessed I am, and grief on missed opportunity, lost loved ones, lost relationships and the fight to carry on. What’s strange is life has barely been started my 28 years have flown by so quick, and I know future wise time not slowing down, why is it that I feel I have such little time?


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